Chasing Onderland

Friday, September 05, 2014

A few months ago, Onederland was a fantasy. Something unseen for 20 years. I had stopped dreaming about it. Stopped believing it even existed. I had given it up.

Now, it's a goal -- a few steps away -- a reality growing closer daily.

56 pounds. That's my reality today. It's not a huge number by any means, but not small either. It is... attainable. It's a matter of a few weeks... a few months... a few more steps in the right direction.

Yes, I do dream of Onederland again. I think of it every time I'm confronted with chocolate-frosted sugar bombs. I think of it when I choose the foods I will eat and the hours that I spend swimming and walking.

I can feel it. In my bones... in my heart and soul. It beckons. It's waiting for me. It's the cool, crisp air in October. It's the fragrance of bayberry and pine.

It demands my attention and my dedication. To ignore its call is to deny myself and my strength of will.

It won't happen tomorrow or even days after tomorrow. It will come at its own pace. I will patiently mark the time and tick off the weight.

I will do what is best and right for me. I will ignore persistent whispers of self-doubt. I will shout out that this is MY time. I will not be denied.

I may slip. I may fall. I will find my footing and get up and move forward.

I believe the hardest step is the first one taken. That's the leap of faith -- the walk in the deepest hour of the night when even the stars have stopped twinkling. Each step takes me closer to the light. From here, I can see that first shimmering rays of dawn. The sun is rising and I am so much closer than I was yesterday.

I'll keep walking toward the sun. This time, I won't be blinded by the glare. I know where I am going and why.

I choose to leave the dark night behind me. I choose to dance in the brilliance of the sunshine. 

Is this really me?

Friday, August 22, 2014

 

The above photo shows 100 pounds of fat. I need to lose 119 pounds of fat. 

That really can't be right, can it? Am I really that many pounds over weight? 

 

Yes. I am. 

I know from whence it came: Ice cream, pizza, cake, chips, dips, sodas, sugar, salt, cream. 
Jamie Deen once told a group of tourists that his Mom's (Paula Deen) favourite dessert was fried butter with sour cream. I actually thought that sounded pretty tasty.  Y*I*K*E*S. 

Sometimes, it just seems like it's too much to bear (or lose). It isn't. I ate enough to put it on -- I can work enough to take it off. I will succeed. 

"You've done it before and you can do it now. See the positive possibilities. Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable determination." 
~ Ralph Marston ~ 

I did lose 66 pounds in 2009. I'm almost halfway there now at 32 pounds down. Time is my friend. I refuse to be on a set schedule. I will lose weight and not despair if my body's schedule differs from my desire. 

"Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what! Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.” 
~ Mark Victor Hansen ~ 

I am determined that if life throws obstacles in my path -- then I will consider it an obstacle course and I will climb, drop, roll, crawl, swim, run, and jump until the path is clear and the course is clear. 

I will not be denied. 

"I am the master of my fate, 
I am the captain of my soul." 
~ William Ernest Henley ~

The cost of obesity.

Monday, August 18, 2014

 

I'm not just talking about the cost in terms of self-esteem, self-confidence, self-reliance, and self-control. I am talking about the monetary costs. 

The annual cost of being over-weight is $19.39 per pound. For me, at 259 pounds, that is a cost of $2307.41 per year. 

That's the cost of a Gym Membership for my entire family. 21 fill-ups for my SUV. 77 dinners at a nice seafood restaurant. 19 trips to the grocery store for a week's worth of food. 60 visits to the hair salon for a shampoo and trim. 

Of course, there are so many more things that one could count. 

I never really looked at it this way before. I suppose I just thought of the cost to my health. It really is so much more. 

I am ever grateful to see beyond the tree... and see the forest. 

32 pounds gone forever...

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Since I've gained all of this weight, I haven't wanted to be in any photos. 
I'm not going to hide myself away any longer. No, I'm not thin, but I am healthier than before. 

This is the body I made for myself with each mouthful of junk. 

 

This is me today -- 259 pounds. 32 pounds gone forever. I'm wearing clothes I couldn't wear 4 months ago. 

 

This is the body I am re-making for myself with healthy, cleaner foods. I am... a life... and body... in progress. 

    

"The scale can only give you a numerical reflection of your relationship with gravity. It cannot measure beauty, talent, purpose, life force, possibility, strength, or love. Don’t give the scale more power than it has earned. Take note of the number, then get off the scale and live your life." 
~ Steve Maraboli ~

Watching in secret... and glancing blows.

2008 -- 300 pounds

2009 -- 259

2014 -- 262 and losing fast.


We all do it. At the mall, the park, grocery store, church, and even watching on TV. 

We watch other overweight people. And we ask ourselves: "Am I REALLY that big?" We judge ourselves against all others. I think it's just human nature. We don't want to be as *insert favourite overweight-descriptive term here* as the next guy. 

Did you say fat? Obese? Chunky? Fluffy? Chubby? 

We want to be *insert favourite perfect-weight descriptive term here*. 

Did you say thin? Skinny? Boney? "Small-boned?" 

We all wait and watch. Someone much bigger than us will walk by and we begin the examination. I do it, too. I shake my head and try to remember, I have no right to judge. 

The person I am watching -- she knows already that people stare. She doesn't know that I have been where she's been (and may be there still). She just sees me avert my eyes. Her face turns red. 

She's hurt. I've hurt her. 

I know. I am, still, the recipient of those same glances. 

"How did she let herself go like that?" The unspoken question that rings loud and clear in my mind, if not my ears. 

Oh friend, you do not have enough time for me to explain it. The question now is how am I changing it? But that's not the question that you'll ask of me -- and not the question I am comfortable enough to ask you. 

So we avert our eyes and go our own way -- both of us more the miserable for it. 

It's sad, isn't it, that we aren't able to just accept ourselves and others for what we are inside. That fragile outer shell has come to have more value. So much so, that we are afraid to approach those whose outer shell isn't "perfect". 

I've noticed that often a group of girlfriends will often have ONE "fat friend". The person to finish off the appetizers... eat the rest of the entree or dessert. The friend who laughs at the fat jokes... and watches her skinny pals dance with the cute guys as she watches the handbags and drinks. 

I've been that fat friend. 

We watch on television, too. It's all set up for us. #My600PoundLife, Heavy, Biggest Loser, My Weight is Killing Me. There are even more. Some are designed to make us believe that the ONLY way to lose is surgery. Some make us believe that we've got to deprive ourselves of family, friends, and home to be successful. 

We watch and think "I'm glad that not's me". Even if it is. 

I was watching #My600PoundLife just 107 days ago. (Yes, I know EXACTLY which day). I said, "I can't imagine what that must be like". 
My darling Mike replied, "I don't know why not. You're halfway there.". 

*stunned silence* 

It hit me so hard. He was right. I was halfway to 600 pounds. I was eating myself into an early grave. High Blood Pressure, Pre-Diabetes, High Cholesterol, stress, fat, migraines, sleep apnea. 

What didn't I have? My health. 

I came back to Spark People the VERY next day. 

Yet... I'm still watching these shows. Well, except for Biggest Loser -- that's the WORST show for the overweight on television. 

I suppose I watch because it motivates me to keep putting one foot in front of another. It makes me know that I CAN lose this weight. Even though I have not gone the surgery path, I know that those who do must keep moving, eating properly, and changing their lives from the inside out. I do, too. 

Even so, I still cast those sideways glances. I wonder... what are you doing for yourself? I want to tell them my story -- let them know that they, too, can get healthy. I don't say anything, however, because I don't KNOW what they are doing. They may be 100 pounds less than before. 

We don't talk about it. 

I still receive those same glances from others. They, too, must wonder what I'm doing to myself. They have no way of knowing that I've lost 31 pounds or that I swim 3 times a week. 

These glancing blows... the near-misses... they are all part of a larger struggle. The struggle to accept ourselves and others without questions. I still struggle daily. 

I have not accepted the fact that I am morbidly obese -- even though I say it -- I still cannot believe it. 

When you see me... at the park or mall or swimming pool... just know that I am not looking down on you, either. Like you, I just want to make a better me. 

It's not pity that you see in my eyes, it's admiration. You're out there and you're living your life. I think you are awesome. 

TALK IT OUT!

 

The longer I am on this journey, the more I believe that you must talk it out. 
By that, I mean that you must share your experiences. Write it down, journal it, blog it... talk about it with friends, relatives, anyone who will lend an ear. 

This is not something easily done alone. We need support. We need encouragement. We need feedback and advice. Yes, we even need constructive criticism. 

It's the hiding away that's caused many of us to gain this weight. We stopped talking about it. We stopped doing anything about it. We shut down and tried to hide from it. 

Those days must come to a stop. We have to learn to admit it, confront it, fight it, and beat it. 

Do you read a lot of weight loss / healthy lifestyle blogs? Do you comment on them? Do you offer your support and advice? 

Has it helped you to lose weight? Has it motivated and inspired you? 

Do you send links to your blog to your friends and family and invite them to cheer you on? 

This can be such a lonely undertaking -- losing weight. While people who have never experienced being overweight cannot understand the struggle, they CAN participate in the journey -- if we let them. 

I hope that I am supportive of others on this journey. I hope that my comments are seen as positive, productive, and caring. 

We can share the joys and triumphs... offer a shoulder... shed a sympathetic tear. Together, we can succeed. 

I wish you all the very best of success on your journey.

If you would like to join me at Spark People, just click this link and we WILL succeed together!

Spark People.

Swimming -- my happy time!

Thursday, July 31, 2014

The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it. 
~ Woodrow Wilson ~ 

      

I spent three hours in the pool yesterday. I was loathe to get out! I managed a couple of achievements, too. 

Swam 6 laps (Breast Stroke) without the noodle. I did cheat and use my arms, though...  

Did a lot of water-walking / marching and arm exercises with the foam barbell.

No weight loss -- but I really feel the toning and strengthening. 

 

 

 

My accomplishments after 90 days at Spark People!

I was FREEZING when I hopped out of the pool this afternoon!

I am at 90 days back at Spark People!  

My accomplishments to date: 

1. 30 pounds down 
2. Down one pants size (3X to 2X) And maybe even two... 
3. Exercising / swimming 3X per week 
4. Lost 4 1/2 inches 
5. Blood Pressure is low enough that Doctor has halved my dosages 
6. Energy levels are high 
7. No soda / tea / coffee for 90 days 
8. No longer considered "pre-diabetic" 
9. Preparing to walk in a 5K in October 

Last but more importantly, I AM HAPPY!  

Spark People, Friends, I LOVE YOU!  

Non-Scales Victories (mid-July)

Non-Scale Victories!

Sunday, July 20, 2014

So, my darn scale is being a witch. That's okay, I'm steady exercising and losing INCHES! Yes, that's right!  I've lost a total of 4 1/2 inches since July 3rd! 

 Go me!  

I am learning that after you begin an exercise program, you will likely gain a few pounds due to water retention. Your muscles are storing and burning fat for fuel. After 4 to 6 weeks, there is a breakthrough, and the scale will begin to move downward once again. 

I can live with that!  

I am so enjoying this... the swimming... the workouts... the sheer joy of being alive and moving. 

Why did I wait so darn long? 

These are the bracelets on my right wrist. They used to be quite tight. Not anymore! 

30 Pounds down!!!

Saturday, July 12, 2014

I am now OFFICIALLY 30 pounds down from 291! 

I began this journey at a BMI of 51.5 -- I'm now at 46.2 -- a full 5 points down. I still have 7 points to lose to reach the "severely obese" stage. 

I frankly don't see myself as "morbidly obese" but I recognize that it's not based on appearance but WEIGHT. I still have 121 pounds to lose to reach my goal. 

Reach it, I will. 

BMI	Weight Status
Below 20.0	Under weight
18.5 - 24.9	Healthy
25.0 - 29.9	Slightly Overweight
30.0 - 34.9	Obese
35.0 - 39.9	Severely Obese
40.0 and Over	Morbidly Obese

I went for my 6 month check-up yesterday and received great news. My BP is low enough now that my Doc halved my BP meds. He's pleased with my weight loss and is halving my Metformin dosage. 

He said if I lose 30 pounds by January, he will likely take me OFF of the Metformin and halve my Lovastatin (Cholesterol med) as well. 

I am so happy! Very positive reinforcement indeed! 

This evening... I am going to try on a pair of size 1X jeans. I don't think they will fit quite yet, but I am interested in seeing how close I am. 

Of course, it is a goal to leave the PLUS sizes behind me. 

I have another goal: to be able to COMFORTABLY cross my legs while seated. All of us who are very overweight know that crossing one's legs becomes impossible. It just does. I want to be able to do that again (without thinking about it). 

Funny... the things that you want to do once you've gotten too big to do them. We all go through it -- it's akin to mourning. 

However, we CAN get those things back. We just have to work at it. It IS worth the time, effort, and energy. WE are worth it. 

I. AM. WORTH. IT

30 pounds of fat and the choice is mine.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

 

As of today, it's a 29 pound loss for me, but I wanted to see what 30 pounds of fat looks like. 

Wow. Was I really carrying that much fat? And do I still have 120 pounds of that horrible stuff to lose? 

Yes. Yes, I do. 

 

Just imagine 120 pounds of fat -- what is doing to my heart, lungs, kidneys, pancreas, etc. 

This is what motivates me to keep working, every day, to lose this weight and get healthier. 

I CHOOSE to move forward. I CHOOSE to walk and swim. I CHOOSE to demand a healthier me. 

I CHOOSE to eat better and to leave the fatty, sugary, sodium-laced processed foods behind. 

I CHOOSE LIFE! 

I do want to crow a bit: I got in three days of swimming (90+ minutes each time) this week! 

70 DAYS

70 Says since: 

I re-joined Spark People 
I've had a soda 
I've gained weight 
I've felt like giving up 
I've 'splurged' (gorged) at a meal 
I've had to buy larger clothing 
I've despaired 

70 Days of feeling: 

Strong 
Empowered 
Successful 
Energized 
Motivated 
Inspired 
Peaceful 
Determined 
Positive 

An Open Letter to Restaurants

Monday, June 30, 2014

I am not Size 10. I am, at this moment, a Size 2X (18/20). 

What does that have to do with you and your restaurant, you ask? Everything.

You see, I like to go out sometimes with family and friends and have a meal. I DON'T like having to ask for a table because your booths are so poorly placed and spaced that I can't fit in them. 

What? You say it's MY problem because I'm too fat. Golly? I packed 264 pounds on a 5' 3" frame? I had no idea...  What was I thinking?? I'll just go on a diet right now! 

Please. 

Make some damn room! When my 5' 10", 176 pound husband has trouble sliding in... what's your excuse then? 

Is it really too much to ask that the booths accommodate everyone that wants to eat at your establishment? If you don't want plus-sized customers, just post it on the door. I can find another place to eat. 

Perhaps, you enjoy our embarrassment? It's gives you a thrill to look concerned and sympathetic and ask, "Would you prefer a table"? It leads to the hostess claiming that she "has a cousin who's obese" and she can't fit, either. Yeah... I've heard that story a thousand times. 

Oh well, it does lead to what we "fatties" call a Non-Scale Victory: I fit into a booth today! Yea me!  

Gosh, do I sound bitter and frustrated???  

What about those people who are larger than me? Do you know, do you care, how humiliating it is for them? None of us woke up one morning and decided to become obese. 

NOT. ONE. OF. US. 

It happened and we pay for it daily. 

Your scrunched up booths do nothing but enforce the stereotype that only those of certain sizes are taken into consideration when designing eating establishments. 

To top is off... booths are generally made with padded, comfortable seats. Tables are not. Booths encourage closeness, intimacy, and lingering over a meal. 

Tables are designed to get the customer in and out quickly. There is distance so conversation is at a minimum. 

Ask me how I feel about that. 

Scale and Non-Scale Victories!

Sunday, June 29, 2014

 

Swam  for 90 Minutes today (with my fur-pal Gracie) and Mike. Lots of fun! 

Scale Victory: Down 4 pounds! I'm at 264 and just 2 pounds from having lost 10% of my starting weight of 291 (29.1 pounds). 

Non-Scale Victories: 
1. Wearing my rings again!  
2. Wearing several pieces of clothing that were too small just 2 months ago! 
3. Fitting in restaurant booths! (Ya'll know what I'm talking about!)  
4. No longer embarrassed to have my photo taken!  
5. BUCKLING MY SEAT BELT WITHOUT AN EXTENSION!!!!!!  

Best of success to all of my SP friends and fellow members -- if not for you, I wouldn't be as successful as I have been. YOU are my best  and I love you all!